History: BECOMING GOD

Self portraits,

17 years old.

I identify as exclusively homosexual, but the notions of eroticism i will explore will include females. The balance between masculinity and femininity is something that I have always flirted with. I was a full-time transvestite between the ages of 16 and 18 and have recently been experimenting with cross dressing again.

I recently went to a friend’s exhibition opening in Bethnal Green dressed as Kim Novak in Hitchcock’s Vertigo. This was the first occasion I’d had in a long time to dress glamorously and actually go out to something that wasn’t a fancy dress party, and I felt euphoric. It was the most beautiful that I’d felt in a long time. I started cross dressing as an act against the notion that “Boys can’t wear dresses”, not because I felt that I was a woman, or even had any desire to be. When I do it now, I feel it’s about channelling the powers of both male and female, I want to be strong, glamorous, beautiful and unyielding. I enjoy the element of danger or exhilaration I get from walking the streets in heels and a pencil skirt. I’ve been challenged on the street before for my general appearance and know that I can take whatever abuse is given, or fight back if needed. I feel secure in myself and confident enough to possibly endanger my body.

As an adolescent, being a transvestite opened many doors to me. Strange bars and nightclubs across Europe opened their doors to me. The clothes I wore were ridiculous; silk night dresses with high heels three sizes too small, so much mascara I could barely keep my eyes open. Middle aged men fell at my feet, offering up money and alcohol as though I was a deity. I felt that I knew what it was to have Power. I had power over these men because my body was unlike theirs. I was young, I felt I was free, I felt I was beautiful, and these twisted, gnarled old creatures wanted to drink in my youthful sexuality and feel rejuvenated, reborn. I was the new messiah, I became God.

I stopped cross dressing when I realised that I didn’t like the way I looked. I wanted to be beautiful, alluringly androgynous, mysterious, but as I grew older I became more and more male looking. Now, I embrace looking masculine whilst still dressing feminine, but then, that wasn’t part of my aesthetic agenda. I was no longer a nymph. I retained my sense of self though. I continued to go to clubs where I was worshipped. I was still a deity, I had just assumed a new form.